


love, intrinsically;

by alfiee



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Fluff, M/M, POV Katsuki Yuuri, References to Depression, author really wanted to do sth for this month so... drabble!, this is a lil character/relationship study leading all the way up to the cup of china ep, v mild but better safe than sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 14:43:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15051422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alfiee/pseuds/alfiee
Summary: in which yuuri learns a lesson about love, and teaches a few.





	love, intrinsically;

**Author's Note:**

> i was caught by an hour long compulsion after hearing the first sentence somewhere i _can't even remember_! and since yoipridemonth is also going on rn my brain started banging pots and pans and yelling "IT'S! A! SIGN! IT'S! A! SIGN!".
> 
> the prompts for today was: **overcoming** \- finding the way through challenges and obstacles, overcoming resistance.
> 
> thanks so much for reading and i really hope you enjoy this! ♥  
> [here's my tumblr!](https://lovelyvitya.tumblr.com/post/175250706790/love-intrinsically-alfiee-yuri-on-ice)

love, instrinsically, is bigger than fear.

yuuri’s only six-years-old when he first learns this, as his small skates push lightly against the slippery ice and he soars. every ounce of anxiety he’d felt about stepping on the rink for the first time seeps out of him as he triumphantly beams at his own reflection when he looks down at his feet in wonder. the air around him is cold and his button nose is red with it but yuuri’s never felt so warm. he excitedly, ill-advisedly pushes harder against the slick surface with his thin thin blades which predictably get caught in an edge and yuuri falls on his back with a groan. when minako-sensei hurriedly skates to him and frantically asks if he’s alright, she finds him cheerfully laughing, asking her if they can come here again.

the second time yuuri learns this is the perfect storm set by the first time he sees victor through the large pixels of their grainy tv screen. he’s turning on the ice with the most delicate sort of grace, the expression on his face is the definition of freedom and yuuri doesn’t have it in him to look away for a second. because he’s seeing a boy who can fly with both his feet planted on the ice, a boy with long silver hair that flows like rivers of moonlight all the way down to his waist, where his costume extends into a skirt that twirls around his body like licks of red hot flames against a fabric that's black as the night sky, with rhinestones adorning it like the stars he must be made of. a boy who doesn’t necessarily look like a boy but doesn’t necessarily look like a girl either and yuuri doesn’t know what that means and can't decide if it matters, but he’s dying to find out if his hair feels as soft as it looks, and it only takes few years before he’s wondering the same about his lips.

he forgets his lesson by the time he’s 23. the world seems too big and too grand and too bright to bear the burden of how small and weak and helpless he feels. the gloom in his brain seems to him like this tangible, palpable thing, as contagious as the plague, stopping laughters as he steps into rooms even though it continues after he’s been acknowledged. “they’re being polite,” he thinks, as he sinks himself further into the background, ignorable as a stain on the roof, invisible as a shipwreck in the ocean, tying the weight of his anxiety around his body to make sure he never resurfaces again.

but he can’t help it that being afraid is so terribly _boring_.

his lesson, this time, doesn’t strike him like an epiphany as he lets his mind wonder, nor does he spend sleepless nights rolling in his bed trying make himself believe it. he teaches himself this time, step by step, when he makes himself get out of bed and go to the rink, when he excruciatingly gets himself through the exam season all the way to a bachelor’s degree, when he makes himself go back home even though he has a hard time thinking about how he’s going to look his family in the eyes after five years of absence.

and then victor, inexplicably, incredibly, wonderfully enters his life, bursts through the door without knocking, gets too close without asking, touches him without warning. yuuri feels the need to establish a distance, draw a line, to say no to his every suggestion until he can’t anymore. 

that day at the beach victor  _sees_  yuuri and swims all the way down to where he's sunk. he doesn’t ask to untie the weight yuuri's gotten so horrifyingly used to, doesn't grab his hand and try to carry him to the surface like everyone else. he only asks if yuuri would split the weight between the two of them, tells him it would be easier to carry even if he does the same in return, _specially_ if he does the same in return. 

he learns to stand without getting too close, learns to knock before entering, learns to smile at him and reach out a hand as yuuri learns to take it. victor sinks into him like snow did to soil the night they met; stubborn and cold at first but melting and moulding before long and becomes so gorgeously inseparable that yuuri doesn't know where he ends and Victor begins, that he has trouble breathing when he thinks about the day victor decides rise to the sky, searching for the _real_ sun, leaving him down and dry.

he’s taught himself well enough to know what he owes victor, and what he owes himself. so he yells at him in a parking lot despite the nagging noise in the back of his head that says he’ll drive him away once he’s no longer convenient. he doesn’t smile or slouch or hide or make himself small to ensure he’ll fit into the limited empty spaces in victor’s life. he stand up and breathes and cries because there’s no point in being afraid if he isn’t afraid for the right reasons, of the right things. 

he needs to let him know what he needs, needs him to understand what he means when he runs away, just a little, when victor gets too close to finding his way out of the carefully constructed maze of his perception of himself, too close to seeing him for who he is because yuuri _knows_ deep down he’s strong. he _knows_ there’s an persistent glow in the core of his being that breaks through in his lopsided smiles and sideways glances but he’s just too scared to show it for reasons he doesn’t understand. 

but love, instrinsically, is bigger than fear.

he’ll never forget it, he thinks, as he drops his tissue for victor to catch and pokes the “bald spot” on his head. as he changes the second half of his program while he’s performing it on the ice, launching into a haphazard quad flip that screams “ _look at me_ ” louder than anything he’s ever done. as victor dives into the ice, seemingly for an embrace. and yuuri thinks, distantly, that he should be wary of the people around him, of their gasps and silence and judgement. he should be worried about the blinding light of the cameras as they flash towards them, immortalizing a moment yuuri doesn’t even know what to call.

and he wonders why all he feels is an addicting mix of surprise and anticipation as victor’s fingers slide through his hair, cradling the back of his head protectively. why all he hears is the relentless thumping of his own heart in his ears as victor’s face draws closer centimetre by centimetre, second by second. why all he sees is the delicate batting of his silvery eyelashes as he closes the distance between their lips, as he feels his soft one against his chapped, filled to the brim with the most radiant kind of warmth that makes his soul sizzles and his toes tingle. 

“this was the only thing i could think of to surprise you more than you’ve surprised me.” and that was the only thing yuuri needed to hear to know he’d been heard, to know that victor’s learned it too, and to know he’ll never forget it either.

there is no more being scared of the plethora of possibilities. there is no more weighing his options until he feels trapped in the chaos of his own mind. the only things he has eyes for are the stars in victor’s as he looks into his, the ones victor silently promises to pluck out of the sky if yuuri only wanted. the only thing he has ears for is the soft lilt in his sweet voice that threatens to break with the same kind of warmth yuuri’s trying to contain in a body that seems to small for it. the only thing worth thinking about is the brilliance of his adoring smile, prompting yuuri to breaks into his own and slightly tilt his head at the breathtaking sight.

“really?” he says, and there’s nothing else to say.

because love, intrinsically, is bigger than fear. and love _always_ wins.

**Author's Note:**

> me: *writes this in lowercase letters 'cause autocorrect is turned off*  
> me: *edits everything to capitalize appropriately*  
> also me: *changes everything back 'cause she decides this is a 'Lowercase Kinda Fic'*


End file.
